i can't believe i had my finger in that
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
