Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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