u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
