You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
