Plan B is the new Plan A
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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