Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
