Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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