i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
