Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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