THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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