Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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