GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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