8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
