i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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