I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
