Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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