He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize