we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can't turn off my feet"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
