I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
