i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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