My cat gives me a boner
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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