Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
