nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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