I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
