News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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