Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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