so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
