Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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