My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
