Cold hands, warm shart.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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