Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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