I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So squirting runs in the family.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
