Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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