Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
