i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In other news, I just burned my penis
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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