Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
