my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just pee around me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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