he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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