i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
