Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
