I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
