He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
