She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
