Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
