do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
