Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
