My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
