So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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