Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
