You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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