My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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