alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
