i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
