Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We're too hungover to prance.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
