Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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