You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
