The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
