I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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