I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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