Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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