i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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