so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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