dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
