New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
