This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
