non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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